2020 & the PAINdemic

Where…

Where do I start?

So, SO much has happened in a year. I noticed that I haven’t updated this blog in a year, and I have wanted to so many times. I don’t even know where to start. There is so much to say.

Is 2020 serious?

I’ll start at the shittiest place and work my way up. My kid has cancer. Sorry, there was no way to “lead up” to that. It is what it is. The kid has cancer and has been fighting it for the better part of a year. Good news? The kid will win. Bad news? Fucking cancer.

Let’s see, what else is shitty? Ah, yes. My unit. My unit is shitty. I have been in the CVICU now for 2 years. It’s still just as shitty today (no, shittier) than it was a year ago when I was complaining about it being shitty. Kids keep dying, they shut our surgeons down, we got floated all around to tim-buck-two, got kicked out of our unit so the adults could take over, then came back to the unit where we only had like 3 kiddos to take care of to 33 nurses. Lost 60% of our staff, oh and my kid has cancer.

I feel like there was at least one more shitty thing…ohhh, yeah. I fell in love with a boy from the OR and after 4 magical years, we got pregnant…and lost the baby in the 2nd trimester. A girl. Sigh.

This is fine.

But…the good news about being in this dumpster fire is that somebody is standing outside with a 4oz cup of water trying to douse the ginormous flames that encroach upon my life. And in those tiny moments, I realize my wins:

Win #1: Our lives were a living hell, but we got married anyway. We figured a better time simply wasn’t going to show up. I am now the wife of the funniest and my frustrating man I have ever known or loved.

Win #2: After 2 years of flatulent suckage, I finally grew some balls and applied to leave my shitty ass unit. Successfully got the required 2 years for CRNA school, if I still decide to do it.

Win #3: I am heading back to the OR, but the CVOR…with adults. See what I did there? Plan to join the moderate sedation team.

Win #4: My kid is in remission and is doing well ❤

Win #5: Did I mention I get to leave that unit!?!

I truly cannot tell you how excited I am to leave the CVICU for the CVOR. I’m looking forward to being back in the OR. I’m looking forward to one patient at a time. I’m looking forward to not passing meds and not dealing with laborious charting. Ugh. Just looking forward to it.

So, here’s the thing. The CVICU was an incredible place to learn. I learned to manage a-lines, central lines, learned to interpret EKGs and rhythm strips. I can lead rounds with the best of ’em and have a healthy appreciation for rescue meds and sedation meds. But, I didn’t get the extensive knowledge I wanted to get and I don’t feel majorly confident because they never gave me a chance. They don’t give anyone a chance. People leave that unit for other units because they don’t give new staff a chance. It’s a real problem on that unit. Then, when COVID hit and surgeries were halted, we had to float. We floated to NICU, Trauma PICU and the cherry on top for me? Hem/Onc. Now, why they floated me to hem/onc while my own kid was a hem/onc patient, I don’t know. But that’s when I decided enough was enough.

There is so much more experience that I wanted but didn’t get, and it’s experience I plan to get. But, honestly, at this point? I just lost our baby. My son needs me and I’m a newlywed. I’m going to take a couple years just to chill the fuck out. Get myself a CCRN and CNOR, take the GRE and just chill the fuck out. My life, like many other lives in 2020 and 2021, was just…bananas in the past year and we need time to just reset and move on.

Now there are things the pandemic allowed us to have that we otherwise wouldn’t. For example, many nurses have affectionately named the pandemic the “bandemic” because it’s a great opportunity to make so, so much money. I have been giving vaccines for various places to the tune of $50 – $75/hr just for the fun of it. It has been glorious. But, then, life got busy and I had to take a little breaky break. But there are still so many opportunities out there for nurses.

Take advantage of them!!

KyloRN

One Year in the CVICU

You know, I’m really happy I started this blog. It’s very, very interesting to read over my journey from the first thoughts of becoming a nurse, to where I am now…a 4 year old nurse, having now twice renewed her nursing license and on her first specialty switch.

I can’t lie, you guys. This first year in the CVICU has been really, really hard. And it’s not necessarily the patients, because (let’s be honest) they aren’t giving me “difficult” patients. Sure, I’ve had to emergently save a life or two…but it’s nothing compared to what I have seen seasoned nurses take responsibility over on this unit.

No, what’s difficult about this unit is feeling completely inadequate all of the time. I have been pulled into my nurse manager’s office now three times. Once for “missing” a feed (I didn’t; a flex nurse doesn’t like me and was bullying me), second for forgetting to unclamp an antibiotic and finally for completely missing an antibiotic because I didn’t refresh my eMar. No, I haven’t made any life threatening mistakes…but I have made mistakes that have inconvenienced my sweet patients, and this is a very high risk area. I feel like everyone must think I’m an idiot. I have never been written up in nursing, and I don’t ever want to be written up. But, sometimes, I feel like I will be just because I’m still learning so much.

I feel like I’m behind the 8 ball on everything. I feel like I don’t have enough time to study all of the heart defects. I am always scheduled when they have case studies and education and so can never make the meetings. I’m a single mom trying to make sure my son is taken care of (oh, by the way – there’s a pandemic and serious racial tension going on in my country right now). I’m just…I just feel so behind. I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding of myself. My boss told me that I’m doing a great job but if I make another careless mistake she will have to write me up. How does “doing a great job!” and “write you up” exist in the same sentence? You are placating me like a small child.

Please, please don’t do that. I called my mom and cried on the phone. What made matters worse is the mistake she brought up this time happened over a month ago. I have not made any mistakes since then — because I have changed my practice to be more effective and so that mistake never occurs again. This is all so new to me, and I am still learning. At the same time, in a month, I will have been in the ICU for a year. Something has got to give, right?

My mom and I noticed on the phone that when these “mistakes” occurred, it was when I was working night shift. I am careless on night shift. I am sleepy and tired and just not as sharp as I am when working days. Thankfully, I am number 2 on the list to move to day shift. I’m praying to God that that happens in the next 6 months for me. We have some day shift nurses that are moving into ARNP positions and are expecting new family members next year, so I am hopeful that my time will come.

In the meantime, I have so much to hone in on. But, I have to move past this huge blow to my ego, self-esteem and morale. I’m not quite sure how to do it. I feel like I have to save face and find a better way to be a better nurse. I feel stupid and insecure and unworthy. I have no idea how to move past that. I pray that in a few months, this blog sees me laughing at my past self, and not delving deeper into despair. Send me positive thoughts and good vibes.

Sleepy, exhausted, and fresh off the night shift:

Kylo RN

The OR turned CVICU nurse

Well, my friends. I did it. I jumped. I took the first step towards making my CRNA dreams come true; I went out and became an ICU nurse. It wasn’t enough to just become an ICU nurse, I had to go out and become a Cardiovascular Intensive Care Unit (CVICU) nurse. And because that wasn’t epic enough, I decided to change hospitals, add a 30 minute commute and become a pediatric CVICU nurse.

Have I bit off more than I can chew?

I honestly can’t help but wonder if maybe I’ve bit off more than I can chew. Probably. I seriously probably have. I have never been a floor nurse. I have never had to take care of more than one patient at a time and the patients I have taken care of were intubated and unconscious. I am just now learning how to use IV pumps. I barely know what a manifold is; I haven’t used their charting system before. I’m terrible at reading EKG strips. I don’t know the cardiac system well, though I love it. I have only ever worked with adults and I never wanted to do peds!

I have an awful lot working against me, and I am not too proud not to admit that. I can just feel the nurses precepting me wondering if I am ever going to get it or if I am ever going to make it. As a 3 year old nurse, I am incredibly ignorant to the world of floor nursing and the things I should probably already know, I am relearning in the real world setting.

At the same time, this is everything that I have wanted. I wanted a challenge. I wanted to get away from being comfortable. I wanted to move away from the things that were familiar to me and I wanted to do something scary, all the while moving towards my goal of securing a comfortable future for my son as a CRNA – moving back towards the environment that I love, that I didn’t want to leave, where I was comfortable and happy.

I am reassured daily, despite my insecurities, that I will get this, that they can create an ICU nurse out of me – and a pedicatric CVICU nurse to boot. I am literally learning every second of each 12 (let’s be honest – 13) hour shift that I work. The teamwork on this new unit is undeniable and the welcome committee is nothing short of a G-rated Disney movie.

The unit is a launching pad for nurses looking to go back to school for various reasons: research, FNP, ACNP, CRNA, etc. And I can totally see why: the acuity is so very high, we work with vents, trachs, intubations, extubations, bedside procedures, multiple comorbidities and we float to both the NICU and PICU – a very wide range of patients at any given time. I used to say when I walked into the OR that I never knew what I was walking into that day, but I can say now that I truly have no idea what I am going to walk into each day on the unit.

Another bonus? I have never worked 12 hours shifts before. Having 4 days off a week is so foreign to me. And I’m told that is just the minimum. I can create 4 – 8 days off a week if I really wanted to. Wut?

I’m newly engaged to the man I affectionately called “Work Bae”, though technically we are no longer work baes, as I have moved to a different hospital; and you know what? It’s nice. I can totally concentrate on me — not on what he’s doing, our little insignificant spat over dinner or pretending we don’t know each other for the sake of professionalism.

I have been met with an awful lot of people wondering what I was thinking, calling me a traitor (for leaving them), questioning how I was going to pull it off as a single mom, blah blah blah…but those same people now text me almost daily asking me advice on how they too can make a scary jump.

Let that be a lesson to you all to never let anyone’s judgment or opinion about you affect the decisions you make for yourself.

Sure, life is scary right now, but it’s good.

A little positivity goes a long way…

 

New Beginnings…or nah?

Hi Friends,

Happy 2019.

I am a 3 year old nurse, now. My work bestie has moved to a new city with her new fiance and has left me behind with new hires and an almost entirely new staff. The beauty is that I now have seniority on my unit. That’s pretty cool. The additional beauty is that I love all of our new hires. Man, have we managed to hire some really awesome people in the past few years. My facility is really amazing and I love the OR so much.

But.

And this is a big but…

I’m a mommy. And not just a mommy…but a single mommy. My little one is not so little anymore at nearly 7 years old, and in only 7 short years he will be ready for college. So, what does that mean for me? That means it’s time to step up my game. I’m comfortable. I wake up every morning and go to a job with people I’m comfortable with, doing things I’m comfortable doing, in an environment that I am totally comfortable with…and that is kinda sorta a problem. I need a challenge. Working with my new significant other has me concentrating more on my relationship than on my job. I spend more head space wondering who he’s talking to and what they think than I do on growing at my job. That’s a problem.

I want to go back to school, and now that my nursing career has changed (OR vs L&D), my ideas for graduate school have changed. I wasn’t expecting to love the OR as much as I do…and I never thought I would consider this, but guys…I’m considering anesthesia school. So here’s the kicker: in order to become a CRNA (Nurse Anesthetist), I have to go to the ICU. I’m terrified of the ICU. Absolutely terrified. At the same time, I am absolutely thrilled to learn something completely different. So, off to mentor land I went, emailing all of the ICU nurses I knew personally either from hand-offs or nursing school and got their take. I talked to many anesthetists and anesthesiologists about the pros and cons, and spent many a sleepless night going over how on earth I was going to make this work. And then I did a nice search for internal transfers to see what was out there. There are so many beautiful positions out there. I revamped my resume, prayed to the application gods, and have landed myself a phone interview with an ICU.

I am absolutely and utterly terrified. When I say terrified, I mean TERRIFIED, but I’m also super excited. I promise to keep you updated because you (and by you, I mean me…) are the only friend I have in my wee head. 🙂