You know, I’m really happy I started this blog. It’s very, very interesting to read over my journey from the first thoughts of becoming a nurse, to where I am now…a 4 year old nurse, having now twice renewed her nursing license and on her first specialty switch.
I can’t lie, you guys. This first year in the CVICU has been really, really hard. And it’s not necessarily the patients, because (let’s be honest) they aren’t giving me “difficult” patients. Sure, I’ve had to emergently save a life or two…but it’s nothing compared to what I have seen seasoned nurses take responsibility over on this unit.
No, what’s difficult about this unit is feeling completely inadequate all of the time. I have been pulled into my nurse manager’s office now three times. Once for “missing” a feed (I didn’t; a flex nurse doesn’t like me and was bullying me), second for forgetting to unclamp an antibiotic and finally for completely missing an antibiotic because I didn’t refresh my eMar. No, I haven’t made any life threatening mistakes…but I have made mistakes that have inconvenienced my sweet patients, and this is a very high risk area. I feel like everyone must think I’m an idiot. I have never been written up in nursing, and I don’t ever want to be written up. But, sometimes, I feel like I will be just because I’m still learning so much.
I feel like I’m behind the 8 ball on everything. I feel like I don’t have enough time to study all of the heart defects. I am always scheduled when they have case studies and education and so can never make the meetings. I’m a single mom trying to make sure my son is taken care of (oh, by the way – there’s a pandemic and serious racial tension going on in my country right now). I’m just…I just feel so behind. I’m trying to be patient with myself and understanding of myself. My boss told me that I’m doing a great job but if I make another careless mistake she will have to write me up. How does “doing a great job!” and “write you up” exist in the same sentence? You are placating me like a small child.
Please, please don’t do that. I called my mom and cried on the phone. What made matters worse is the mistake she brought up this time happened over a month ago. I have not made any mistakes since then — because I have changed my practice to be more effective and so that mistake never occurs again. This is all so new to me, and I am still learning. At the same time, in a month, I will have been in the ICU for a year. Something has got to give, right?
My mom and I noticed on the phone that when these “mistakes” occurred, it was when I was working night shift. I am careless on night shift. I am sleepy and tired and just not as sharp as I am when working days. Thankfully, I am number 2 on the list to move to day shift. I’m praying to God that that happens in the next 6 months for me. We have some day shift nurses that are moving into ARNP positions and are expecting new family members next year, so I am hopeful that my time will come.
In the meantime, I have so much to hone in on. But, I have to move past this huge blow to my ego, self-esteem and morale. I’m not quite sure how to do it. I feel like I have to save face and find a better way to be a better nurse. I feel stupid and insecure and unworthy. I have no idea how to move past that. I pray that in a few months, this blog sees me laughing at my past self, and not delving deeper into despair. Send me positive thoughts and good vibes.
Sleepy, exhausted, and fresh off the night shift:
Kylo RN
Hellooo Nurse! 