Where…
Where do I start?
So, SO much has happened in a year. I noticed that I haven’t updated this blog in a year, and I have wanted to so many times. I don’t even know where to start. There is so much to say.
I’ll start at the shittiest place and work my way up. My kid has cancer. Sorry, there was no way to “lead up” to that. It is what it is. The kid has cancer and has been fighting it for the better part of a year. Good news? The kid will win. Bad news? Fucking cancer.
Let’s see, what else is shitty? Ah, yes. My unit. My unit is shitty. I have been in the CVICU now for 2 years. It’s still just as shitty today (no, shittier) than it was a year ago when I was complaining about it being shitty. Kids keep dying, they shut our surgeons down, we got floated all around to tim-buck-two, got kicked out of our unit so the adults could take over, then came back to the unit where we only had like 3 kiddos to take care of to 33 nurses. Lost 60% of our staff, oh and my kid has cancer.
I feel like there was at least one more shitty thing…ohhh, yeah. I fell in love with a boy from the OR and after 4 magical years, we got pregnant…and lost the baby in the 2nd trimester. A girl. Sigh.
But…the good news about being in this dumpster fire is that somebody is standing outside with a 4oz cup of water trying to douse the ginormous flames that encroach upon my life. And in those tiny moments, I realize my wins:
Win #1: Our lives were a living hell, but we got married anyway. We figured a better time simply wasn’t going to show up. I am now the wife of the funniest and my frustrating man I have ever known or loved.
Win #2: After 2 years of flatulent suckage, I finally grew some balls and applied to leave my shitty ass unit. Successfully got the required 2 years for CRNA school, if I still decide to do it.
Win #3: I am heading back to the OR, but the CVOR…with adults. See what I did there? Plan to join the moderate sedation team.
Win #4: My kid is in remission and is doing well ❤
Win #5: Did I mention I get to leave that unit!?!
I truly cannot tell you how excited I am to leave the CVICU for the CVOR. I’m looking forward to being back in the OR. I’m looking forward to one patient at a time. I’m looking forward to not passing meds and not dealing with laborious charting. Ugh. Just looking forward to it.
So, here’s the thing. The CVICU was an incredible place to learn. I learned to manage a-lines, central lines, learned to interpret EKGs and rhythm strips. I can lead rounds with the best of ’em and have a healthy appreciation for rescue meds and sedation meds. But, I didn’t get the extensive knowledge I wanted to get and I don’t feel majorly confident because they never gave me a chance. They don’t give anyone a chance. People leave that unit for other units because they don’t give new staff a chance. It’s a real problem on that unit. Then, when COVID hit and surgeries were halted, we had to float. We floated to NICU, Trauma PICU and the cherry on top for me? Hem/Onc. Now, why they floated me to hem/onc while my own kid was a hem/onc patient, I don’t know. But that’s when I decided enough was enough.
There is so much more experience that I wanted but didn’t get, and it’s experience I plan to get. But, honestly, at this point? I just lost our baby. My son needs me and I’m a newlywed. I’m going to take a couple years just to chill the fuck out. Get myself a CCRN and CNOR, take the GRE and just chill the fuck out. My life, like many other lives in 2020 and 2021, was just…bananas in the past year and we need time to just reset and move on.
Now there are things the pandemic allowed us to have that we otherwise wouldn’t. For example, many nurses have affectionately named the pandemic the “bandemic” because it’s a great opportunity to make so, so much money. I have been giving vaccines for various places to the tune of $50 – $75/hr just for the fun of it. It has been glorious. But, then, life got busy and I had to take a little breaky break. But there are still so many opportunities out there for nurses.
Take advantage of them!!
KyloRN
Hellooo Nurse! 